Where does time go?

It’s five days until I leave for Darwin, seriously when did that happen? I always knew that the time for me to leave for this trip would come but it always seemed far away like somehow it wasn’t going to happen…

When I first put my name down as a person of interest… I thought – oh yeah it could happen, I could be spending 6 weeks in the NT for my final placement etc It will be totally amazing yadda yadda but for some reason in the back of my mind I didn’t actually think it was happening.

Why, I don’t really know?

I don’t think it was until about a month ago that the thought of actually doing this crossed my mind. The plans were in place, it was marked in my diary and I even knew who I was going to be partners with but still somehow I thought that I would still be in Melbourne…

But no it is really happening!

But it isn’t just this trip that has crept up on me it is also the whole year…

I still have vivid memories of celebrating new years – my one wish was that this year had to be better than last year after being as sick as I was  and not even thinking that I would finish my course in the same time as originally planned to now thinking about what job I want… I think I got the 2012 that I hoped for…

The trip will be amazing and will probably make the year for me but if you took that away I would still think that I’ve had a great year…

As simple as it is but not getting sick again is all I needed to get through this year… It was all I needed to say to myself at the end: “I’ve really had a good year”

A lot of people I think when they reflect on a year gone by think that if they haven’t had any grand accomplishments or done ‘amazing’ things like for example a huge OS trip or whatever it is that they want… that they think “oh what a crappy year” but for me a good year really means: being healthy, getting through anything challenging a long the way and just allowing for life to be the best that it can be in the moment…

One of my favourite quotes is

“be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”

I like this because it shows me that everyone out there has hard stuff that they have to deal with and that it isn’t just you. We forget this when we’re the ones that are ‘suffering’ because it does feel like we are the only ones, that we are the only ones going through something, that we are the only ones that feel miserable… But really we’re not. We’re one in a million/billion/trillion and there is probably someone else out there is going through something a lot worse than you are.

I remember when I was admitted to hospital before I had an appendectomy and thinking “oooh this feels so awful… no one else has any idea what this feels like, etc” you know that whole ‘wo as me…life is bad, etc” the common thing for people to do when they’re sick even if it’s just a cold…

Then I got a txt from a friend saying something like “I know how bad it felt before I had my operation, etc” (this friend also no longer has her appendix) and it made me realise how a lot of people have had the exact same operation that I was about to have and that it was going to be ok… plus not only that but I was going to have key hole surgery which is much more simple than how it used to be… so out came “it could be worse”

“it could be worse” last year became something I would say every time I got sick, every time my blood got tested, every time I got asked if I was pregnant, the list goes on…

And you know it’s so true “it could be worse”…

I’m not saying you’re never going to feel awful and when something happens to you especially if you have never had that happen before it is really hard to deal with, it’s tough… It is placed there for you to go through, experience and to face up to…

And I’m sorry to have to say this, but that’s life

Just like this time that is slowly drifting away, it’s going to happen and there really isn’t that much we can do about it. These next five days which is now looking more like 4 1/2 will take the time it takes and at the end of them I will be on a plane heading for Darwin.

The six weeks though that I’m away could actually feel quicker then these next few days – now that’s the scary bit 🙂

To me life is taking the happy/amazing/great/joyful/exciting parts or the sad/horrible/awful parts and being in either of those moments… you have to take all of those things as they are and except that sometimes that is just how it is…

Signing off so I can actually do something about all this packing I have to do… eeeeek!

 

To be yourself

Lately I’ve been caught up in so much of what is going on in other people’s lives, but what for? I’m me and that’s ok. I should just be who I am and the best that I can be…

I should not feel sad or anxious about not having something that another person may have just because I feel like I should have those things. If those things are not here right now than that doesn’t matter maybe they’ll come and maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll come tomorrow and maybe they’ll come in a few years time…

I’m reading this book called “down to earth” … ( http://www.penguin.com.au/products/9780670075928/down-earth)

It’s very inspiring…

One of things that I have just read is

“Stop living according to the expectations of others and focus on building a life that is unique to you”

The book is centred around the idea of simple living. Since being diagnosed with Coeliac Disease I have gone from thinking all I will rely on is the gluten-free substitutes but cook how I used to e.g spag bol (Spaghetti Bolognese) but with G-F pasta, flourless chocolate cake…etc, then I decided to branch out and try new recipes and before you knew it I had a cupboard full of different ingredients…

I started to think if living gluten-free meant 20 ingredients that used to only take 4 or 5 that, that was a bit insane… I have the gluten-free 4 ingredients cookbook… but most of those recipes are good but a bit too basic…I still want to be able to eat delicious food just not spend so much money…

The great thing about this book is it gives you so many ideas on how to live your life fully but simply and not only that but it gives you a guide for each stage in your life in decades so 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and retirement.  It emphasizes on how if you’re not already living the life you want then it’s never too late to start. (The writer of this book is in her 60s and looks back on her life when she takes the plunge into the concept of simple living…)

It’s true to say that I’m very much a homebody and have always been very happy with that. I want to do things like travel – through my own country and the world…

I want to continue my education (on my own terms…), I want to learn another language, etc,etc

Let’s face it I want love and babies…

And tea and cake

and cats and dogs

and I want to be happy in a place that I call home… I want that home to be filled with photos of friends and family

places I’ve been…

I want my own veggie patch, herb garden… to have lots of flowers

I want to give back to the world so that not all my sentences start with “I want” like they have been…

and acceptance lots of acceptance…

but I think the place to begin is in myself otherwise I don’t think all those things will happen…

If I accept that I am who I am and that no body and I mean no body can take that away from me then I think I will be a better person… along the way I will learn from others of course but I can’t let influence take over and create someone I’m not because that will crush me before my time and no one wants that…

I’ve had a huge lesson of the day:

Be happy with who you are and who you will be!

Signing off because my feet feel frozen!!!

(15 days till Darwin, 15 days to 30 degree weather that’s celsius btw…)

I have writer’s block!!!

I have the urge to write but don’t know what to write. This is a rare occurence for me. A rare occurence indeed. Ususally I can write at any time even if it’s about the most mundane things… But this evening as I decided it was about time to write again – anything, just anything to get me going – I thought but I have nothing that I want to write about…

So instead I’m going to try this thing called a ‘stream of  consciousness’ or a continuous flow of thoughts in writing whereby I write all my thoughts as I think them… goodness I hope this isn’t over sharing

Here we go: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3,2, 1…

What am I afraid of? I’m listening in my mind to this song about someone being afraid of something to do with love but what is that I’m afraid of? Obviously I’m listening to this song because I can in some way I relate to it but I’ve never been in love so am I afraid of it? But I have had a broken heart just not in the traditional sense of it… my eyes are drooping so really I should sleep but I know as soon as I climb into bed it’s not going to happen that’s all I want to write  now… sleep gosh there is a part of me that wishes I wasn’t on holidays…

The sound of my fingers typing is a soothing sound that I like because it means that I’m writing something that’s just for me something that no one has to like it’s just for me just for me that’s what I like best about this typing though is very different to holding a pen or a pencil I feel as though somehow handwriting is nicer than typing…goodness I’m so old-fashioned why am I so old-fashioned?

If you look at my hair you wouldn’t think it was old-fashioned or the act of shaving it off maybe I’m partly old-fashioned and partly not… I miss you, you know… here I am getting that sinking feeling again of missing a person you love wait love in its traditional form isn’t all about the love between man and woman or woman and woman or man and man love can be friend and friend pet and owner etc but come on I am human I want the other kind…

Gosh people could be reading this soon what if I just deleted this entire post. Emma keep your eyes open. No. Go to bed. No awake. Awake is where you’ll be when you feel like this…

I am strong I know it other people know it and if I cry it’s not a sign of weakness it’s not it’s just not…hmmm why not have a sip of hot chocolate with almond milk yes that’s right I spent more than any normal person should on one litre of milk just so I knew what it bloody well tasted like and crap it had to taste so bloody good that I’ll buy it again why just why food for me has become an expense I mean I know I don’t need almond milk but in so many gluten-free recipes they use almond and rice milk so I thought oh what’s the harm in trying this milk it’s meant to be good for you so why bloody not the only problem is because I also didn’t want the milk loaded with sugar I got the bloody organic one I want so much to be healthy so I don’t have to go to fing hospital but I also don’t want to be poor why make people who have fing coeliac disease pay for it out of their hard-earned money why… so back to that crying thing yeah it’s happened

oh good it’s stopped sigh deep breath sigh and deep breath

ok I’m ok

19 days till I fly to Darwin why did I sign up for swirl I mean I know why but now I’m scared I’m excited but lets face it if I was lying I’d be saying I’m so excited and so honoured to be given this opportunity blah w****r is what I would call myself if I said that because it’s not true I mean the teaching thing the story telling thing great the bloody remote thing what was I thinking oh yeah I wanted the challenge crap I have to eat gluten-free food what was I thinking…oh this is stupid I’ll be fine no seriously ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok need to change my thoughts to something different.

Saw “Annie” today it was so fantastic and being able to see it with a great friend made it all the worth while and leaving the theatre we saw a wedding party who gets married in winter idiots. oh there would have been many reasons but seriously idiots.

ok I need to stop this otherwise the whole world if the whole world is reading will know my inner most thoughts and I don’t want that…

 

Activity complete. Back to normal:

It’s always good to write like that once in a while and it got me out of my writer’s block.

If there are readers of this post please don’t take my thoughts too seriously they were literally in the moment I didn’t plan what I was writing they came to me at the moment – also I’m tired so any worry or concern or even a positive emotion has been heightened by 1,000… plus the last time I did this I was in a state of joy and there were very different results I can tell you.

Lesson of today (to writers):

Writing all your thoughts like this can be a great way to ‘unleash’ anything that needs to be taken out of your mind to you free you up and write and also you might be surprised in what you come up with – some great story could come out of it!

*note* I read over what I wrote in the end for spelling and grammar in no way though did I delete anything that I wrote – that would defeat the purpose.

 

 

Leaves make Autumn beautiful

As I am sitting here enjoying what has now turned into brunch. I cant help but to think what a beautiful Autumn we have had. I look out onto my backyard and get to witness all the beautiful colours that make up Autumn. As the last leaves are falling as we get ready for Winter this is what I get to see…

    

The colours I believe give us a sense of warmth through the reds, yellows and oranges and sometimes even silver, grey and blue we can visualise and remember the summer and spring just past… just as a new change is beginning. Autumn leaves have seen us through many changes…

When we were children we jumped and played in them…coming into Adulthood we walk through the old days and look forward to new things and as I’m almost at the end of my first semester of my final year I can see a new change emerging for me.

At this time of the year I always reflect on what has gone and what will happen next it’s exciting to think that I will be working at a school in my own classroom this time next year – a new change that will occur just like the seasons that change every year.

With every new season comes new foods in summer we eat ice-creams, have BBQs, Pavlova with summer berries, in spring we enjoy a good old lamb chop, in autumn it’s a spicy pumpkin soup and by winter we are eating comforting stews and warm apple pies!!

With each change we feel something different and we do different things… My change will be going from a student to being a teacher… It’s an exciting change but it’s a big change.

It’s bigger than going from jumpers to tee-shirts or soup to ice-cream…it’s more like taking a leap or jumping into the unknown…

I will be ready to take it on. But at this stage I can’t imagine how different it will actually be.

Signing off as I have to finish my final assignments for the semester…

I hope you are enjoying the colour of the leaves or whatever weather it is for where you are as that might be not quite the same. 😉

Don’t worry about the things you can’t change.

I was told this back in 2006, when I was in year 11. I was 17 which felt old because by the December of that year I would be 18, which meant adulthood. Responsibility and having to lead your life came with adulthood. I was afraid to be pushed right into it as though I was to become an instant adult.

How can someone be an adult when they are still at school? Amongst other things. Two years later it was 2008 I was approaching 20 and still felt the same. The worries that I had then have completely changed. I know now, there is no such thing as instant anything – especially adulthood…maybe that’s why you’re still working on it by the time you turn 60 and get the label “senior”.

Plus I am no longer caught up in other people’s lives in the same way I was back then, I can see the difference between being worried about others and seeing what they are going through and simply being there for them.

Right now though at midnight on a Wednesday night or Thursday morning, whichever way you look at it. I’m worried or concerned or something a rather.

It’s about something I can’t change or do something about but desperately want to. I hate not having the power to help those I love whether friends or family.

In this case it’s a friend. Who might even read this post…maybe it’s a way to reach out to this person without me really thinking – that, that is what I’m doing.

My point is I know when thinking about this more realistically and clearly that I have to relax, take my mind off it so that I can sleep…

I know I can’t change the situation. The whole point of not worrying about the things you can’t change is to see that unless you actually have the power to change something that it’s not going to change and you have to accept it so you can live your life.

Like me getting my driver’s licence. As much as friends and family have been bugging me to do something about it they can’t actually get it for me.

I am in fact doing something about it, I’ve had a few things get in the way but now is the time.

Today I had a driving lesson and I’m telling you – scary as anything, I was so nervous that I had to sit for an hour before before the lesson so that I could calm myself down. I haven’t driven for a year which I know is bad but it was because I was sick last year and needed to focus on getting better…anyhoo…it was raining for most of the day and i thought – oh great, rain on my first driving lesson in a year…great.

By the time my instructor got to my house, it had stopped raining…as soon as I got into his car, things were clicking like never before. I was finally using the steering wheel properly because I was actually taught how and got to the stage where head checks felt normal.

I think this time it will actually happen. Especially because I’m doing something about it. A change I have control of – when it’s something you know you do something about, you don’t worry because there is no need to. You have the power.

The power is gone and then you worry.

The logical thing to do is not to worry because if you can’t do anything about it then you need to let it run it’s course so the change happens.

Eyes are now drooping…this right here is one of the reasons why I write.

No lesson of the day – it’s in the title.

Sleep tight to all if you haven’t quite made it there…signing off…

My Sunday arvo thoughts…

I was going to write a big post on the thoughts of smokers smoking in my face and how through a busy week you can discover how determination can get you through.

But I just want to talk about today. I haven’t achieved anything of greatness, I’ve just been enjoying the company of an Offspring on DVD and thoughts about the end of the year.

I’m sitting here realising that I haven’t posted all week and just needed to…

I think that I might just write about whatever comes out of my end and keep writing until I no longer can or need to go to the toilet whichever comes first…

The future is creeping up faster than I ever thought it would which started with an offer from last Tuesday and ended with the fact that I’m going to the Northern Territory in July.

I am going to have decide on things very soon which is exciting but also daunting. It’s also not like finishing year 12 but at the same time is…

Lets go back to finishing school…

I had some idea of what I wanted to do but knew that once I got to uni it would all come together, I took a year off and had a few adventures on my own and with my mum…

Started uni at 20 which felt old at the time… boy has that changed and was completely anxious of the whole thing – I remember my first edu lecturer all characteristics, personality and teaching style to this day and to this point of even sometimes feeling like she is still teaching me… she was the only lecturer who I have actually had some resemblance of closeness too unlike at school where every teacher at the end almost felt like a best friend..

I know it’s sickening how friendly I was with my teachers but most them changed my life even if it wasn’t because of good reasons they did…

But starting uni was like this scary thing, most classes I felt nervous in even if all I did was sit there and listen…now I feel like if i was put on the spot to take over that I could – it’s in the complete reverse almost….

Goodness I really am a rambler and get it from my mum…

I’ve gotten everything from my mum – almost… some things like my sensibility and calmness I get from dad… but the nuttyness and being able to ‘rant and rave’ I get from mum…

goodness I need food and toilet break…

 

back from eating some curry which was a little bit spicy but o-so-tasty

 

It’s good to know that my house-mates are doing much the same with their Sunday arvo = watching T.V that is and eating…

I guess that’s what they’re for – right… the classic Sunday that I didn’t get at the start of Semester because I was running around doing everything else… I’m now receiving and also feel blessed that I can just enjoy

even if I have home work to do…

This is much better!

I had such a good day yesterday with a great friend of mine from school which included retail therapy, food and gossip…or some might say a good bit of ‘nothing’ but with a good friend that feels like everything…

You know friendship is truly important…

I have friends from school and uni  and just randoms I picked off the street…and some have become pretty close which is great…

then same with family…

it all comes with emotional attachment and photos

photos are wonderful – but still sometimes sad to look at…

being emotional can make you want a lot of things… and do anything to get there

Nina from Offspring points that she’s too sensible that all she does is write lists that never get there…ahhhh so do I – I have this never-ending to do list that keeps going without seeing any signs of ending… goodness… I’ve got stop saying goodness.

Are we never happy if we keep adding to the list?

On my list: (OF my life)

-finish uni

-finish reading Harry Potter for the second time

-find a job

-decide on where to live next year

– help those I love

-travel and see places I haven’t yet before – with friends, by myself and with family…

– take a break after teaching for a few years or so…

– decide on if teaching will be my only job…

– find new love

– have a baby or two or three

-find where to raise family

– include family and friends in on my family

-keep in contact with everyone I love

-try to be happy

– keep being me

It’s a short list but it has huge things on it – some short-term, some long-term, some I can’t really think about now and all things that need other things to happen first before i get there which basically means that I could always be making lists…

and who for?

For me? These are all things I want but they all include other people and all take smaller steps to get there… in fact I have stuff that still needs to happen today before I get to tomorrow… even if that’s as simple as going to the super-market…

plus all the emotional stuff that can happen in between…

life isn’t a time-line…

BUT why is it a list?

Lesson of the day:

write lists if you need to, but remember that if not everything gets done then they aren’t going to stop you from living your life, they’re just going to put a “spanner in the works”

Enjoy Sunday because if you don’t you could be a wreck by the start of the week… which no one wants…

Signing off so I can go back to Offspring! 🙂

 

 

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