This anxious excited feeling!!

I go from feeling so excited that I’m literally jumping up and down to feeling so nervous I can’t eat some days in a manner of minutes and this is all because of this year. It’s roughly 5 -6 months before I will  have finished my course and will become a graduate teacher and each day, each week and each month I get just a little bit closer to end of the line.

Today is a good example of feeling really excited… before I was sitting in my kitchen writing an action plan – a tedious assignment placed there to torture us by our lecturers and even though it’s a drag to complete it felt necessary to complete. It was interesting to see where I am now and what I plan to do to achieve what I need to before the end of the year. If all goes well then a job will be in my sights!!

After tackling this work I went for a driving lesson, during this lesson my instructor said that I was doing really well and by the end he said it will probably only be a few more lessons before I’m driving with ease. With this in the back of my mind I could see that things were coming together…

Then I relayed my thoughts during a phone call to Mum and started to feel anxious again – I was back in the spiral!!

So I decided I needed to be here and right a post about it, besides it ties in nicely with all ideas behind this blog anyway so it does make sense!

It’s great to feel like I’m actually achieving something through doing this teaching degree. It’s not just that I’ll have a job. It’s a dream that I’ve had for a very long time that will actually come true. It’s the marks/grades I’ve received since I’ve started and it’s looking back at where I was when I began to where I am now.

The best bit is – I actually believe that it’s happening. I believe that I am capable and that once I get there I’ll be great.

I say this because it’s taken me through my entire education to believe so – that is also an achievement. To go from a kid with a lack of self-esteem and thinking that I couldn’t do much in the world to now believing that I can and will gives me such an amazing feeling…

For once I don’t need other people to point it out and better still I’m not second guessing when they do… My response isn’t a shy “Oh really??” it’s a confident “Thank-you!” and a facial expression that shows I agree!!

I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt this way – I’m sure there are plenty of people who have… but seriously it’s great, it makes me cry – in a good way and it makes me not want to settle for less, plus I also feel a somewhat sense of assertivness…not too over-powering as it’s not in my nature…but you know – I just feel good!!

I thought that I would keep this short – to say the end is near yikes/yay – and that persistence and hard work pays off. The thought of know that I’m nearly there makes me want to strive even more to get there and really do it!!

Give life a real crack otherwise there is no point – we only have one chance at it after all!

To my fellow Education P-12 students: we’re so close so lets keep at it, before we know it – we’ll blink and be graduate teachers!!!

Oh my goodness!!

Signing off to go make something to eat!! 🙂

 

Getting caught comparing ourselves to others.

It’s a tricky thing in this “modern life” to not compare yourselves to the people around you.

I remember as a teenager I used to think the worse about myself if I saw someone give me even the smallest of glances. Eventually though I think most teenagers think people are watching them all the time. Watching to see if you do the right by others, watching to see if you give up your seat for the elderly, what clothes you are wearing, the food you eat, etc – basically everything that makes up who you are.

I didn’t have the best self-esteem plus I took nearly everything personally…still to this day I have those moments where I think about what other might be thinking or think unrealistically about a situation. Maybe though we all go through that stage?

I have learnt the difference between my realistic thinking and my unrealistic thinking. I feel as though even if I have those thoughts right when I’m having them I somehow switch into a more realistic mode of thinking and things start to feel “normal” again.

Tonight though I got home from babysitting (my honeybun and sugar-plum) – a discrete reference because they aren’t my children…but I noticed a book at their house that they had a book called “The Mother’s Group” – I wasn’t snooping, it was on the coffee table clearly there for anyone to see…but it intrigued me…I googled of course and found out roughly what it was about…

The idea of a mother’s group has always been fascinating to me… first time mothers getting together to meet, talking about what it is to be a mother, getting tips,etc…

but in my classic way of thinking comes the idea that a group of women all incredibly tired, hormonal, all over the shop…etc then being placed in a group that they don’t know each other = disaster. Won’t they all “bitch” about each other? Won’t they all compare each other? the list goes on… I mean when you think about it women don’t grow out of being women…we’re naturally going to think like this and naturally talk about others behind our backs… a vicious cycle really…

I was able to attend a mother’s group meeting which I thought was great and worked well and have heard really great stories…

But there is something that Istilldon’t like the idea of them…

I’m pretty sure my mum didn’t have a mother’s group and at the end of the day she has just done her best.

I’m writing this because out of everyone out there in the world. (I believe) Mother’s get the most amount of criticism. They are criticised about everything. From sleep, food, clothes, their child’s development, the cleanliness of their home, the school’s their children go to, their careers – not just what they do but whether they work or not, the way they discipline their children…the list I would say is never-ending.

Mum says as soon as I decide to have children: that everyone will have an opinion and try to give you advice. Which will probably include the name that I decide on.

We are so lost these days that no one shares anything with anyone else except our partners (married or not).

I’m the type of person that will reach out for advice but do hope that I just do things the way I wish and to do my best.

We need to give the mother’s of the world a break, they have children…they haven’t slept since the day they were born…even my mother I still think doesn’t sleep properly. Plus children are meant to be children!

It’s not just mother’s though. It’s everyone…

Give yourselves a break. I know the world out there is full of things that influence our day-to-day lives and who we are but you still need to remember who that is. Deep down there is a person who has your believes, interests, personality, etc and you just need to be them.

Think back to when you were five – you went about your day, had fun, did your reading, writing and arithmetic, came home, ate dinner and went back and did it all over again.

When I was five I aspired to be a teacher and a mother. I sit here today still with those same aspirations…one will come true at the end of this year, the other when I’m ready and when Ifeelis right… but when I look at that person who played made-up games and didn’t care if my hair was neat or my clothes looked nice. I wish some part of that person could still be me… growing up has pushed me past those days…but back again to allow myself be who I am.

They say that it’s when you get to your 30s you feel most aware of who you are and most comfortable in your skin… but I believe it’s the five-year-olds we all once were.

If life were that simple, we would all be in ignorant bliss…

If a child can look up at you with their curls all tangled, food on their clothes but be completely happy and laughing – then why can’t we adults do the same?

Because we are all too worried!!

I think my point that I’ve been trying to say is look at who you are? What do you see?

Don’t look at John or Sally and think… they have it all and their lives are perfect, why I can’t I be more like them… cos believe me… you won’t.

If you would like to read my latest poem which relates to this post here is the link:

http://songbirdwriting.blogspot.com.au/2012/05/your-judgement-eyes.html

Signing off… to reflect upon a GREAT and happy Sunday!

Hope you all had a fantasitc day!! 🙂

GLUTEN-FREE VEGEMITE!!

I actually cried after having a bite of a rice cracker with GF Vegemite. Then after the cry I’m pretty sure I screamed and then sang.

I couldn’t believe how great it tasted and how wonderful it felt to eat something that was such a huge part of my life.

It’s not just the Vegemite though.

There are other things that are making me reminiscence and other things that I miss deeply.

There are dates coming up that are allowing me to think like this and with this I will make this post short.

Moments like I had with the GF Vegemite are pretty awesome. It also allows you to see that sadder parts of life are there and sometimes you have to give in to them and that’s ok.

Just as long as after-wards you enjoy the GF Vegemite.

Happy eating and enjoying life – taking it for what it is. 🙂

Dear Mum:

Ok It’s roughly a month to mother’s day but I was inspired today after a phone call I had with my mother – she has given me everything now all I need to do and so does she is to let go a little so we can our lives a little bit more separately from each other, it’s not say we won’t spend time together… but anyway here it is… now when it comes to mother’s day, I may not have much to say… but I’m sure I’ll think of something:

Dear Mum:

The love that I have for you is a given for you are my mother. It is unconditional, cannot be touched or taken away, I will never feel this love for others as it is unique and therefore forever and always.  My love for you will always hold strong even when we fall or see tough times, no matter how much we argue, are angry at each other or even when we laugh in each other’s company. A love between mother and child or child and mother is like no other – even if that is a cliché it is true.  The point of this message though is not to say that I love you, because we know that we love each other – even if we don’t say it.

It’s to say that I admire you. I admire you for raising Tom and I as a single parent. I admire you for being a midwife and lactation consultant and working your butt off for years – and still managing to do so. I admire you for your strength as a person and mother.

I admire you for not succumbing to outside pressure to be a different person to who you are; including the “uniform” which you wear all the time – it shows perfect effortless style and comfort, even if it’s not me… you are still who you are.

You have shown me what it is to be yourself, to be a working mother, to be caring and loving, to be wacky, crazy, and quirky all in one package and for showing me the ropes of life. I know what I know from you; your warmth, your honesty, zest for life and all your life lessons – some of which are learnt from what not to do but at least you have taught me that making mistakes is ok.

We have so many laughs together, I love spending time with you – which I know most people don’t understand, but that’s ok because I would prefer that then to have it any other way…

Thanks for being there for me; I don’t say it enough…

Love Ems xoxoxxoxoxoxoxo

Lessons learnt by my mother:

  • Don’t put your eggs in one basket
  • Things always find a way of working out
  • To always do right by others. If you say you’ll be committed to something, then stick with it.
  • You can’t sit around and be miserable for ever, sometimes if you go for a walk, things will start to look better.

Just a short, quick post – as this came to mind today…

This so called modern-life we live in…

Is is just me or does everything feel like a big deal to people these days?

A) You can’t say that or he/she’ll will be offended

B) You have to be really careful about what you name your baby or otherwise they’ll be stuck with something boring or be teased – yet Apple or Cruz is somehow accepted because that baby belongs to a celebrity… and Molly spelt Mollie is also ok, because at least then the spelling is unique… heaven forbid people stick with Sarah or Alex…

C) Your children have to live in amazingly decorated rooms cos otherwise they will have no friends

D) Your child’s first birthday party or any birthday party for your child has to include a jumping castle, a face painter, pass the parcel with carefully selected paper – also properly decorated because apparently newspaper isn’t the way to go anymore, plus goodie bags without lollies and instead healthy snacks cos no child is allowed fairy bread anymore even on their birthday

D) Children under five mustn’t watch T.V – it will most certainly rot their brain or worse – have them not being able to read before they go to school

E) You have to have a completely super organised house – otherwise all your friends will have to go out to dinner cos otherwise it’ll be too shameful to have them over

F) There is a gadget for everything and if you dare go outside without the latest kindle then don’t even dare leaving the house again

G) Don’t enjoy being pregnant and expecting your first child just feel the ‘pressure’ of doing everything right – don’t forget if you eat sandwich meat your baby will die…

H) Don’t yell at children ever – cos their self esteem will be shattered and if you can’t yell then don’t slap either…

I) If you’re not married when you decide to have children then forget it everyone will ‘out’ you

J) Replace all lollies with carrot sticks cos clearly we can’t enjoy food anymore

K) On the topic of food if it’s not organic then don’t buy it – cos you’re just going to get glared get at by the check-out chick

L) Refuse, Reuse, Recycle – everything or else!

M) Safe the world. If you don’t donate to 100 causes a week then really you shouldn’t be allowed to live

N) You got your coffee from where? No don’t go there, the person doesn’t use the foam to make sure it’s presented with a pretty bird on a tree branch on top and the barista doesn’t make the milk hot enough so it burns your toung…

O) I buy all my clothes, gifts, etc online, plus get all my food and essentials home delivered, plus I just don’t leave the house because I don’t have anytime yet I’m sitting here on my computer blogging about how I don’t have time… and really this sentence is taking all my time… where has all the time gone

P) I can’t call  my friends anymore let alone see them because of my busy lifestyle

Q) I have a Nintendo Wii to do yoga and play tennis because really any sort of exercise done outdoors I can’t stand and doesn’t fit in with my life…cos it’s just so hectic

R) and continuing with this topic – the other day I had to look up this great word – Relax when my friend told me I should do it more often… I thought sounds great – but really where can I fit it in

S) As a teacher I have to remember to say chalkboard, not to sing baa baa black sheep, to talk to all the parents as though their children are angels and gifted, to make sure I never show my students that I’m human , etc – but do I also need to say interactive felt-tip pen board… should I have a melt-down now to get it over and done with – because clearly it’s inevitable…

T) When I become a mother I’ll have to hire a nanny, casual babysitter, night nurse, etc and only talk to them when they really need to…because all those activities that they’ll have to go to I just won’t be able to take them to… plus simply reading them a story is just too much of a hassle

U) Where are all my hair and beauty essentials… I may only be going to buy milk…but seriously you never know who you’ll bump into… oh my gosh here comes another melt-down…

V) Did I tell you about Facebook, blogger, tumblr, you tube, pinterest, this site that I’m on now, twitter, google plus and whatever else I’ve used to divulge everything about my personal life on? I mean seriously if you don’t go look at one those pages, then the photos from the latest party/wedding/christening/house-warming/gig/*insert event here* that I went to – or the video footage of my child’s birth will not be shown to you because I’m a private person and don’t really want people to see those things…but seriously you probably don’t want to see all the details anyway. 😉

W) Did you watch the latest of junior masterchef? Since when do children know how to not just make cupcakes or cookies with icing on top – but things that I don’t even know how to pronounce

X) When you do find the time to catch up with friends, don’t forget to document the entire outing on Facebook via your phone so that everyone can know what you’re up to – heaven forbid you actually talk to your friend

Y) If you dare let any of my children near dirt then I’ll blame you when they they’re allergic to everything… oh and please make sure you use the detol soap dispenser that you don’t actually touch…

Z) School, Uni, Career, Marriage, Kids, there is no other way to life really and if you don’t live by this standard then clearly you don’t have a life and if you turn up to your kids graduation at the age of anywhere between 40-50 then really you were far to young to be having children because really we’re not allowed to have kids until 35 and no younger because before then is just too young. My mother was 25 when she had my brother – what do you say to that?

HA HA HA HA HA HA I am evil.

Ok – so just a heads up – most of these ‘complaints’ are me joking and I’m not really being serious. But I do think that we all need to relax including myself. Your life is your life it shouldn’t be mapped out according to what other people say and you should just live it the way you wish.

Even if you do, do the things on this list – it’s ok.

Can we stop judging and criticising people because clearly by the fact that I came up with about 26 ideas on how people ‘should’ live their lives – is a statement in itself…

I’m sick of reading articles titled with “The pressures of pregnancy” “How to decorate your child’s room” “We all seem to have allergies or food intolerance” “There are women as young as 20 deciding to get a sperm donation – what a shock” “Baa baa black sheep banned from childcare centres” or watching ads that are advertising these products that allow children to learn how to read before they get to school…

I see parents on the streets negotiating with their children about their behaviour – what happened to “Come here NOW!” or a slap on a wrist – I don’t agree with bashing your children or making out like their bad people… but I got yelled at or had small hits on my wrist  and usually it was because I was crossing the road without mum or about to touch the stove… and I’ve turned out to be a pretty normal and genuinely good person…

Lesson of the day:

Chill out!!! It’s ok if your apple came from the supermarket and you gave your child a lolly snake.

Language development is important before a child gets to kindergarten/school but we have teachers for a reason.

Signing out as I’m about to spend time with my mother and brother whom I love very much!

Just like scrambled eggs!!

If you’re eyes feel like they are so low they could be touching your chin and they are falling closed to the point that no matter how much you try to keep them open they won’t…then you have gone past tired directly to exhausted… I probably should right now be asleep in bed…but instead I have an insane determination is stay up and write a blog post. After my week though in particular today I feel as though there is a need to do something to not just unwind but to get away from the lecture room and the study desk. To unwind in a place where I feel immediately relaxed – even if this is related to uni, it’s not a prescribed assignment, it’s something that I have chosen to do myself!

The week started well with my Drama Monday – a fun lesson, followed by a fun movie…

Tuesday turned into a day of being completely frustrated at once again being placed at a school so far out of my way that there would almost be no point in the travel time to get there. I went absolutely completely mad and was so outraged that when I called mum to debrief that I couldn’t calm down, I was crying then yelling then crying again. I’m not normally one to lose it like that but after the stress of last year I was hoping for a smoother run so I didn’t have to wait till almost the end of the year to do my teaching rounds. It was too late in the day to do anything about it – so I did the classic thing – to sleep on it…

Wednesday came:

I had this great subject called The Cultural Studies of Tibet and our lecturer for that was this great guy – who was completely stuck in the stone ages as far as lecturing goes – no use of technology, but he was so enthusiastic and passionate about what he was talking about that it was a nice change to not have to watch slide after slide about the subject matter. During the tute he didn’t really have much to expand on, because it was week one… but instead talked about why he doesn’t use technology…

In normal circumstances this would really bug me – but he was talking about it in context to education and us as learners which relates to the course I’m in so I thought even though I didn’t agree with his theory it was good to hear another perspective. He felt as though technology was there as a distractor, that it wasn’t valuable, most people were always plugged into something and therefore he didn’t like to use it. His argument also covered how if you have slides of a Powerpoint or a recorded lecture then that means that student don’t show up to the lectures – which he thought was valuable. I could understand why he prefered not to use it…

As an educator though – the use of technology especially as we are in the 21st century is a vital part of the classroom… kids nowadays and even when I was still at school are so in tune with technology that teachers need to use to and even allow their students to use their iPhones/ipads/MacBooks or whatever it is they are plugged into – for the purpose of learning as this is how it should be… the old saying goes – pick your battles… sure if a student was txting in class, listening to music while people were talking – all the classic disruptive things that kids can do with our gadgets – then that would have to be stopped, etc…

Although I discovered last year on my teaching rounds at a school that was very focused on the use of technology that if students are using these gadgets for their appropriate uses in the classroom, then it’s ok;  if this includes listening to a song for a performance they have to do as part of their assessment then that should be encouraged – teachers know when their students are doing work and when kids are slacking off, they can usually tell the difference… but not only that if they’re not doing the work it could be because they are disengaged then maybe it’s something about how we are teaching and creating an engaged classroom… it’s tough though because what do you do when you’re in a maths class and the students have no interest at all because in the year after they’re not continuing with maths…???

The Tibet tute had come to a close and it was now time to meet some old friends – a couple who I hadn’t seen in two years. It was fantastic being greeted by old faces and catching up on two years of life… after they went to class… it was time for me to complete my day…travelling home via the uni bookshop and getting a new concession card…. I made a call to the people who sort out our schools… they gave me another number…

I waited until I got home-made the call and then within an hour all the frustrations of the day before had been relieved as a new school was found and it is close to where I live. I was so grateful to the person over the phone – that the same amount of energy I had used being angry and upset the day before had been used in thanking her for sorting it out and so efficiently!!

Now here’s to Thursday…and those scrambled eggs!

We were meant to be at uni this morning at the bright and cheerful time of 8:00am for our first lecture of the day and nothing was organised to the point where we were still in the lecture room 20 mins after the lecture was meant to end and only 10 mins of the lecture was about 4th year and what it would entail – the rest was pointless information that most of us didn’t even need to know…plus they had people in this lecture that were from another course – why?

There was no improvement by the time of the tute – people were even sitting on the floor, fellow students had cleverly worked out that our class size meant that seats would be limiting so had gone straight there even though this lecturer had told us to take our times…

We were told to go to the later tute… we were told to go to Monday’s class… we were told to stay on Thursday…

The afternoon came and our afternoon lecture was GREAT! A massive discussion on the 21st century, what events that have occurred to influence this century, changes in technology, globalisation – so many things that I could have easily talked about for the rest of the day…

Afternoon tute: yikes… organising groups at uni was actually more complicated and more disorganised than organising groups in a year 11 Drama class… with hlf an hr left of the class to go we were still working on it… even though the unit guide had clearly stated what to do – completely laughable really… at least my lecturer has the personality of her frizzy red hair and the enthusiasm which goes with most great teachers which made up for it… I had spoken to her earlier about joining her tute group and knew that her day had been a muddle too and she had just been as scrambled as the rest of us!

Who wants eggs?!?!

Lesson of the day:

Don’t let a little bit of disorganisation and frustration lead you to think that, that is how everyday will end up being…sometimes it takes time, sometimes a lot of time and sometimes a small amount of time… generally speaking it’s nobody’s fault when stuff like this happens because we are all part of the picture we have to be patient because usually good things come to those with patience. I could have easily caught a later train and had been relieved that they hadn’t covered anything important. Things get sorted and sometimes waiting only means that the experience is far more rewarding than you ever thought it would be… like last year – I didn’t get a school until the year was nearly over, but then I got a fantastic school and a  7 week block which meant that the experience was more than I would’ve dreamt off…

A challenge is put in place, not to be a challenge but to be something to over-come, get through and know that you can do it if you put your mind to it.

Sleep also is 100% important… it makes our minds clearer and ready to tackle the day!

Signing off… as I’m nodding off and allowing my eyes to finally close…

Have a great weekend!!

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